If I had known what I know now when I was younger, I would have saved myself from a lot of hurt, pain, and anger. Hindsight is 20/20, they say, and when you look back on life, the picture often becomes clearer. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could prevent some of those struggles in the first place? Save ourselves the trouble? That’s what this channel—and now this blog—is all about. My goal is to help you gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that can act as tools to simplify some of life’s challenges, ultimately making things easier for you.
I’ve spent much of my life grappling with the concept of self-esteem. I didn’t always understand the difference between self-esteem and something I call “them-esteem.” And let me tell you, not understanding this distinction has affected me in ways that I didn’t even realize until much later.
If you’re like me, this is probably affecting you in ways you haven’t even considered. It’s operating in the background, influencing your choices, your mindset, and your ability to become the best version of yourself. In this post, I want to help you recognize and understand the difference between self-esteem and them-esteem, and show you why it’s so important for your personal growth.
Understanding Self-Esteem
Let’s start by defining self-esteem. Simply put, self-esteem is the confidence you have in your own worth, your abilities, and your self-respect. It’s about how much you like yourself, how much you value yourself, and how much respect you have for yourself. It’s the internal foundation of who you are.
But here’s the thing—self-esteem doesn’t just come from within; it can also be influenced by external factors, like the environment you’re in, the people around you, and even the experiences you go through. These factors shape how you see yourself. For instance, maybe you’ve had a rough patch at work, or perhaps your relationships aren’t going well. These challenges can negatively impact how you feel about yourself, affecting your self-esteem.
But let’s go deeper: do you truly value and like yourself right now, in your current state? Or do you believe you’ll only feel worthy of liking yourself once you reach a certain goal or milestone in the future? It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we need to “earn” self-esteem through accomplishments, but that mindset can be harmful.
Self-esteem comes in different levels:
- Low self-esteem: You don’t believe in your worth or abilities, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
- Healthy self-esteem: You have a realistic sense of self-worth and value yourself for who you are.
- Excessive self-esteem: You may start to overestimate your worth, which can lead to arrogance or disconnected behavior.
Take a moment to reflect: where do you stand? Do you have low, healthy, or excessive self-esteem? This awareness is the first step in understanding how your self-esteem affects your life and your choices.
The Danger of Them-Esteem
Now, let’s explore what I call them-esteem. If self-esteem is about confidence in your own worth, abilities, and self-respect, then them-esteem is the opposite. With them-esteem, you have no confidence in your worth or abilities. You rely on external validation to feel good about yourself. You need others to like you, to approve of you, and to respect you in order to feel worthy.
This is where the real danger lies. When you depend on “them”—the people around you—for your sense of self-worth, you give up control over your own life. You’re letting someone else steer your ship, someone who’s not even on board. Your sense of value becomes tied to what others think of you. If they don’t approve, then you feel worthless.
This need for approval doesn’t just show up in one area of life. It can creep into all aspects of your existence—your physical appearance, your mental state, your finances, and your relationships. This is where the idea of a “high-value man” comes in, often tied to earning a certain amount of money or having a specific status. But here’s the catch: there are people who make six figures but are financially unstable. They’re living paycheck to paycheck, and no amount of money can fix that. Does that mean they’re not valuable? Absolutely not. But when their self-worth is tied to external markers like income or status, they’re still caught in the trap of them-esteem.
Internal vs External Validation
The key difference between self-esteem and them-esteem comes down to internal vs external sources of validation. Self-esteem is rooted in internal recognition. You decide your worth, your value, and your respect for yourself. On the other hand, them-esteem depends on others to validate your worth.
Think about it: if your value is reliant on others, you’ll constantly be at the mercy of their opinions, actions, and expectations. But when you cultivate self-esteem, you control the narrative. You are the captain of your ship.
The Ship Without a Captain
Let me use an analogy to drive home this point. Imagine a ship with no captain, left to drift aimlessly on the ocean. Without direction, the ship would eventually crash into land or wreck on the shore. It’s the same with your life. Without self-esteem—without being the captain of your ship—you’ll end up tossed around by the waves of external influence.
Now, think about it: if your life is being directed by others—whether that’s the approval of friends, family, society, or social media—how can you expect to reach your own destination? You need to be in control. You need to steer your life, set your own course, and take responsibility for where you end up.
Taking Control: Questions for Reflection
As we wrap up, I want to leave you with two critical questions to think about:
- Do you like and respect yourself? This is about how much you value yourself as a person, not based on external achievements or approval.
- Do you need the approval of others to feel worthy? Are you dependent on others for validation, or do you have the inner strength to recognize your worth on your own?
Take some time to reflect on these questions and really think about where you stand in terms of self-esteem and them-esteem. If you find that you’re leaning too heavily on external validation, it’s time to take control and shift your mindset.
Moving Forward: Empower Yourself
I’ve provided some insights, but this is just the beginning. If you want to dive deeper, I’ve created a short PDF guide and some graphics that further explain the differences between self-esteem and them-esteem, along with practical steps for building a stronger, more internalized sense of self-worth. You can download it via the link below.
Remember, your life is yours to live. Are you the captain of your ship, or are you letting others steer you?
The choice is yours.
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